:'(

I thought I'd be a lot more excited about college. I always envisioned it being the time where I moved out, left my home and family for a little while, left everyone else I knew, and went off into the unknown to discover what God had in store for me. Key word being "left".

But I don't get to "leave". I get to "stay", which wasn't a part of my original plan. My plans were taking me out of town, to a different college than the one I'm attending now. I was going to live in the dorms, I was going to meet new people. I was going to have this freedom that one can only get when they're away for college.

God said 'no way!' Suddenly I find myself dreading this time. It's going to be harder than I expected. I thought I was going to do the leaving, but now everyone's leaving me instead. That's the hardest thing to face in all of this. And I know not everyone is leaving - they just happen to be the people that are closest to me and that I love the most. It feels like because they're going off and getting this whole new experience, that they're moving on in life a lot quicker than me. I don't want to be the one that's left behind. But I am.

I keep telling myself 3 things:

1. I will be richer than them - I'm going to be living at home, which cuts down about half the cost.

2. I still have most of my family in town, while they will all be away from theirs.

3. I WILL see them again.

#3 I'm still iffy about though. While it's true I'll see them again, this is the last time I'll see them as we are now. Because they're going to grow and I'll hopefully grow and we'll all change in some form of fashion.

*sigh* life's a mess. I'm trying so hard not to look at it like I'm being abandoned. I have to look at the bright side, but it's just not looking so bright from here....