Well God has certainly shown me a few things this past weekend. It's amazing how I never knew how tightly I was holding on to something until I didn't have it anymore.
My aunt shared a beautiful poem with me - I wish I had the words for you, but I can share with you the message. It was a poem about giving up the idols that we create for ourselves and how God can never give us the treasures in life that He wants us to have when we come to Him with our fists tightly clenched, holding on to worthless idols that don't matter. So we have to open up our hands, all ten fingers, and drop whatever's there. Then you wait and watch as God fills them up with His blessings.
I didn't realize it until she recited the poem to me, but I had been holding on to the worthless idols I had created. It was even more evident when the idols were gone. It was so obvious - if I wasn't holding on too tightly, then why was I hurting so much?
I don't think you can just give the situation to God though in one special, emotional moment and all of a sudden you feel better and never have to think of it again. oooooh no! Think again! I find myself giving it back over to God every time it comes to mind! And I'm still doing it! But as long as I keep doing it, instead of doing nothing at all, I figure I'm good :)
First day of college. Didn't really feel like it at all. I guess I can own up to the fact that I expected to feel like a college student, at least! But that didn't even happen. When I woke up this morning, I didn't feel older, I didn't feel wiser, I didn't feel more mature...it never happened!
Instead, I got a bunch of butterflies in my stomach and the urge to run back home and crawl back in bed to hide from the unknown for the rest of my life. What IS that?! Definitely not me....I'd normally jump at the chance! Everyone does! It's COLLEGE for crying out loud! a.k.a FREEDOM! The beginning of living a life on your own!
But I'm not really. I'm not about to be an adult. I'm only paying thousands of dollars to take harder classes so I can be smarter. But I'm not about to be an adult.
Here we go again. Four years ago, I was a freshman in high school - completely and utterly afraid for my life every time I walked through those double doors, I was afraid of my hectic schedule and I was afraid of failing epically. And now after finally getting to the top rung of the ladder, I'm at the bottom again.
Only this time, I'm a freshmen at a much bigger school. Although I have more experience dealing with the large crowds of people, the studying, the busy schedules...etc., I still feel completely out of my league in college. Is it ridiculous that I have to give myself a pep talk before going on campus....every single time? It's always along the lines of, "OK Victoria, you got this! Put on your confident face, look like you're on a mission...don't take 'no' for an answer. You can do this! If thousands of people before you could do it, then you can too!" It tends to help me muster up just enough confidence and self-esteem to do what I came to do. And then I go home and want to be by myself because I'm worn out and need to relax.
Classes start on Thursday, so sooner or later I'm gonna have to get the hang of this. Books are still missing, letter to go get the books went MIA....I've got my work cut out for me!
I thought I'd be a lot more excited about college. I always envisioned it being the time where I moved out, left my home and family for a little while, left everyone else I knew, and went off into the unknown to discover what God had in store for me. Key word being "left".
But I don't get to "leave". I get to "stay", which wasn't a part of my original plan. My plans were taking me out of town, to a different college than the one I'm attending now. I was going to live in the dorms, I was going to meet new people. I was going to have this freedom that one can only get when they're away for college.
God said 'no way!' Suddenly I find myself dreading this time. It's going to be harder than I expected. I thought I was going to do the leaving, but now everyone's leaving me instead. That's the hardest thing to face in all of this. And I know not everyone is leaving - they just happen to be the people that are closest to me and that I love the most. It feels like because they're going off and getting this whole new experience, that they're moving on in life a lot quicker than me. I don't want to be the one that's left behind. But I am.
I keep telling myself 3 things:
1. I will be richer than them - I'm going to be living at home, which cuts down about half thecost.
2. I still have most of my family in town, while they will all be away from theirs.
3. I WILL see them again.
#3 I'm still iffy about though. While it's true I'll see them again, this is the last time I'll see them as we are now. Because they're going to grow and I'll hopefully grow and we'll all change in some form of fashion.
*sigh* life's a mess. I'm trying so hard not to look at it like I'm being abandoned. I have to look at the bright side, but it's just not looking so bright from here....
Having an 8 week old puppy is just like raising a child. There are so many similarities! First of all, there's the whole "potty training" thing. Can I just say that that's been an insane adventure in itself? Let me elaborate. To prevent Toby from piddling on everything except the grass where he's supposed to do it on, we have to try and gauge exactly when he's going to go do his business. The first few times were very random though, so consequently he had a few accidents.
He finally started to get the hang of it! But his bladder is about the size of a pea. So he'd wake us up with his whining at 4:45 am, wanting to get out of the kennel. Because he's such an early rise, we've had to camp-out in the living room, near his kennel. For the past two nights I have slept on the living room floor, in a sleeping bag, without my comfortable mattress. ---> not ideal. But then I look at his sweet little face and I remember how much I love him and can't say 'no'. He must have planned that....the little booger.
Today's looking to be an eventful day. I'm headed to a funeral for a friend of mine that died. Max McCutcheon was my friend from high school - we were both in marching band together and did lots of other things with music. He was on his way home from KC when his truck rolled somehow ( I don't know the full story). He was thrown and killed right there on the turnpike. I can't believe he's actually gone - that someone that I knew fairly well would die. I had just seen him at work a few weeks prior! It seems so surreal at times. But I sincerely hope and pray that he had a relationship with the Lord. He'd come to me with questions about my faith, or when he needed encouragement. I could never quite figure out where he was in his faith, but I hope he heard me and I hope he's a part of God's drum line now.
OK. So if you read my last blog, (if you haven't, you can use the extra energy and scroll down just a tad) you'd know that I was already a "rebel" - with permission, of course. Now, this post isn't about another way that I exhibited my rebellious, teenage ways. More of another change that has been made in my daily life.
Ya, that's right. You probably can't even guess it - so I'll just go ahead and tell you since I am literally jumping out of my socks with excitement! (no, I am not actually wearing socks. It is summer and it's been around 110 degrees to be exact. Only idiots where socks in the middle of August, and I for one am not an idiot)
Back to my previous point! I'm excited! Because we got a new puppy!! In case you couldn't tell by the name of this post, his name is Toby. He started out as our imaginary dog that we dreamed of getting, and he is now reality!
I have pictures to prove it too! Looky looky!!
He likes to crawl all over us when we get down on the floor. He's such a sweet little pup and we're so excited that he's a part of our family.
Many more smiles are on the way thanks to this little guy!